The character Lorne Malvo, played by Billy Bob Thorton, from the FX television series Fargo isn't exactly the role model everyone aspires to be. However, there is one quote of his that stood out to me the most while watching the series: "Your problem is you spent your whole life thinking there are rules. There aren't." While there are a lot of philosophical debates to be had about this, that is a subject of a different matter. In this instance, I'm using it as a reference for kitchen rules.
Of course there are rules involving safety, such as not cutting yourself, burning yourself, and proper sanitation. I guess what I'm trying to get at is that some rules in the kitchen were meant to be broken. A lot of people expect the standard "meat and potatoes" shit you hear all the time. Why stop there though? Why not experiment something a little different? What if you could still eat the same thing, just jazz it up a little, eh? Eh?
I'm not a professional in any way, but in my years of cooking, I've developed my own little set of rules whenever I'm in my kitchen. I like to consider them the 10 Commandments of the Kitchen with the Kitchen being my church and my cooking equipment being the priests to guide me. They may vary from person to person, but feel free to use these at any time because, in the end, you are your own person and you can do whatever the fuck you want because it's your fucking life and you carpe diem the hell out of it. Let's get the service going, shall we?
Commandment #10: Great music and a nice glass of whatever you desire to drink can certainly make cooking a lot more enjoyable. Normally when I'm cooking, I get so into it, I completely forget to turn my music on. However, once I do have my tunes blasting, it certainly puts me in better spirits and enhances enjoyment for cooking. Especially when you have a glass of damn good wine (cheap, not cheap, whatever the fuck you like to drink), cooking becomes not even a hobby, it becomes an absolute friggin' pleasure. Because who wouldn't want to cook with Frank Sinatra's The Way You Look Tonight blasting in the background while you're sipping on a glass of Yellow Tail wine? (Yes, I drink that cheap shit because that cheap shit is awesome). Seriously, try it out sometime, and watch yourself enter a world where you feel like anything is possible in the kitchen.
Commandment #9: Cleaning as you go will make your life so much easier. I'll admit, I used to be lazy as fuck when it came to cleaning my kitchen after cooking. My mother, bless her heart, would be in such bitter spirits whenever I cooked, not because of the food I made, but because of the mess she knew she would be cleaning up afterwards. I decided to finally break that trend and make her life a helluva lot easier because a boy's best friend is his mother and I wanna make mother happy. Benefits of cleaning as you go include: more counter space, less worry about how many dishes will be piling up in the sink, and a damn clean kitchen will take that chip off your shoulder (unless it's a potato chip, keep that shit on there because I'll be saving that for later). Don't take the lazy route, think ahead and let Mary Poppins allow that spoonful of sugar to help the medicine go down and get that kitchen sparkly.
Commandment #8: Squeeze bottles and oil & vinegar bottles are the bomb. I underestimated squeeze bottles and oil bottles in the past. I just thought they'd be a waste of time just pouring something from a bottle into another bottle. But getting these sons of bitches puts you in better control. You know how you sometimes see awesome designs with sauces in the form of little lines zigzagging across one another? That's the magic of a squeeze bottle right there. You feel more in control and less worried that you're going to pour out too much or too little of something onto a plate. Same goes for oil and vinegar bottles. You're in more control of how much you pour out rather than using those heavy-ass bottles oil normally comes in. Make life easier, get squeeze bottles and oil bottles.
Commandment #7: Cooking is an art, baking is a science. This is a topic that is still debatable, but in the thick of things, while precise measuring doesn't apply much while cooking, it sure as shit does with baking. The thing about cooking is that if you mess up something, you can fix it or just go with it (because those can sometimes be happy accidents). But with baking, once you got everything set, you better be damn sure every thing is precise and exactly the way you want it because once it is in the oven, there is no going back. Imagine cooking and baking like right brain and left brain: Cooking is the right brain because that is the creative and more imaginative side of the brain. Baking is the left brain because, while creativity still sparks with it, it follows more logic and science into it. In my time of visiting culinary schools, one of them was the Arizona Culinary Institute in Scottsdale. While that is not the school I'll be attending, the one thing I took away was, "If you know how to cook, great. If you know how to bake, great. If you know how to do both, you're set for life." Just remember that the rules are slightly different when it comes to cooking and baking.
Commandment #6: Try one recipe, then try another. Then master the recipe on your own terms. In order to be able to cook without recipes and use your own rhythm, you must first start with recipes to begin with. When I say try one recipe and try another, what I mean is try something you really like, then try a completely different version of that dish. For instance, say your favorite dish is mac and cheese. Find a recipe of mac and cheese and try it. Once you've tried that, try another and see how that one suits your fancy. After you continue cooking the same recipes, it's like memorizing your favorite song: you know what lyric is coming up next and your ready to belt the hell out of that solo part. But rather than just stick the usual singing tone you know the song is, why not change it up? It doesn't have to be just the same singing voice the song uses. Use your own damn voice because you shouldn't let that be put to waste and try a different tone and see what you are capable of. Just like trying a different way of looking at mac and cheese. Rather than just stick to cheddar all the time, why not throw in gouda? Or gruyere? Or bleu cheese (my favorite). Or a multiple assortment of cheeses? Once you've finally found that rhythm in a recipe you enjoy, always take a chance to try something different and see what all else that mac and cheese dish of yours is capable of. Always try new stuff.
Commandment #5: Good company and positive enthusiasm makes cooking even better. It's one thing to be proud of a dish you made after you taste it, but it's an even better experience when you're able to share your dish with others. Whether they be family, friends, neighbors, or some stranger you've never met before (make sure he or she is safe though, you don't want any stranger danger shit happening), when you give them something you put your soul into and are willing to share it to the world, a lot can happen. For better or worse, it becomes an adrenaline rush. But the kicker of it all is when that person takes the first bite of the dish, and they give you the sign that says you did it all: Total silence and slow bites of enjoyment of eating that food. How the hell couldn't you be happy after that? It's the best damn feeling I could get whenever I share food with friends and family because it makes not only my day a little brighter, but their day as well. So don't just cook for yourself, cook with others and for others because it's way more enjoyable to watch others enjoy your food.
Commandment #4: It's not what is cooked, but how. It's not what is cooked, but how it is cooked. You can have the same ingredients for one dish, but how you cook it is what will make the difference. Take for instance eggs. Eggs are one of the most versatile ingredients you can cook. You can scramble 'em, poach 'em, fry 'em, bake 'em, boil 'em mash 'em stick 'em in a stew (couldn't resist). But the main thing about eggs is that even if you use the same amount of butter, the same amount of seasoning, and the same amount of eggs, you can get a completely different result and even taste by how you cook it. I was recently introduced to French-style scrambled eggs which are eggs cooked over a bain-marie (water bath), and slowly cooked until small curds form and they have a risotto-like texture. I took one bite of it, and I felt like I was eating a fucking five-star meal. I couldn't believe how diverse and luxurious these eggs were, and I used the same amount of ingredients I use for all my eggs. That's the joy of cooking: There's never just one way to prepare something. How you cook it is what will set it off the damn map.
Commandment #3: Simplicity is masterful. Who says you need a thousand ingredients to make your dish epic? That's bullshit. You don't need to make life complicated to make dishes extraordinary. The lot of the time, great quality ingredients you have will do all the work for you. One dish that comes to mind is salsa. For me, I'm a purest when it comes to making salsa. I don't use a cabinet full of spices or an excessive amount of vinegar (though that is tasty, do not get me wrong). I just let the vegetables do the work for me. Just using simple things like tomatoes, jalapenos, onions, garlic, cilantro, salt, and lime juice will make life easier because I know those vegetables are telling me, "Chill the fuck out, dude, we got this". So don't think you have to impress people because you use a lot of ingredients, impress them with how you made the dish.
Commandment #2: Take care of your cooking equipment and your cooking equipment will take care of you. From sharpening your knives to seasoning your cast-iron skillets, the more take care of your cooking equipment, you will be in better hands. A lot of times people struggle with cooking equipment because they don't take proper care of it and won't give you the same result you had when you first tried it out. Say you had a damn good knife to use and was always your go-to because it got the job done, but you never took proper care of it and let it dull the fuck out. Cooking equipment is like taking care of a pet: the more love you put into them, the happier they are going to be. Instead of letting that knife chip around in a dishwasher, hand-wash it and dry it with a towel. Instead of letting it dull out because it's not as sharp as it was, sharpen it so it has that edge again. Don't keep investing money in new equipment constantly, just take care of the equipment you have and it will pay you back the favor of doing so.
Commandment #1: ENJOY COOKING. Don't think of cooking as a duty. Don't think of cooking as a life/death sentence. Just have fun. I think that's part of what intimidates people the most about cooking is because they're afraid at first. That's totally fine, everyone gets nervous about trying something different. But don't be so afraid that your life depends on it. Just enjoy the experience, try something you've never tried before, try something you've always been willing to try, but on top of that, have some damn fun with it, too! Even if something doesn't come out the way you want to, still enjoy it because now you know what you can do better next time, and when you try it again, your soul will feel as refreshed as chewing on a piece of Orbit gum. Don't be scared, just enjoy the ride.